


Textbook

by dellaluce



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-19
Updated: 2010-05-19
Packaged: 2017-10-09 14:18:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/88370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dellaluce/pseuds/dellaluce
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>...in which Jade countertrolls AT to great effect by simply being Jade. (pesterlog fic)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Textbook

\-- adiosToreador [AT] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] --

AT: oK, i KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING AND,  
AT: pLEASE DON'T BLOCK ME,  
GG: uuuughhhh!!!!  
GG: why wont you guys leave me alone???? &gt;:O  
AT: yOU'RE THE ONE WHO DISPENSES ACTUAL USEFUL ADVICE, RIGHT,  
AT: i TALKED TO YOUR SEER,  
AT: sHE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT BARN MONSTERS AND SCIENCE,  
AT: iT WAS REALLY THE MOST AWFUL ADVICE,  
GG: rose gives out great advice!!  
GG: shes really smart  
GG: you probably just did it wrong ._.  
AT: oK, LOOK,  
AT: i DON'T NEED YOUR CRITICISM,  
AT: oR YOUR LITTLE HUMAN TEXT-FACE THINGS,  
AT: i'M ASKING FOR YOUR HELP,  
GG: ok....  
GG: why do you need my help??  
AT: yOUR KNIGHT,  
AT: i'M HAVING TROUBLE WITH HIM,  
AT: i'M STARTING TO THINK HE IS LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE,  
GG: well he can be!!  
GG: but thats just dave being dave  
AT: nO, i MEAN,  
AT: nOTHING I SAY AFFECTS HIM,  
AT: hE DEFLECTS IT WITH SEXUAL INFERENCES,  
AT: aND CASUALLY MENTIONING HIS HUMAN GENITALIA,  
AT: i'M GETTING REALLY FRUSTRATED,  
GG: if youre trying to make him mad, you should know you cant  
GG: rose calls him unflappable  
AT: tHAT STATEMENT SEEMS ACCURATE,  
AT: bUT AT THIS POINT I'M KIND OF DONE TRYING TO TROLL HIM,  
AT: i JUST WANT TO TALK,  
AT: aND HE REBUFFS MY ADVANCES,  
GG: wait  
GG: ohhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
GG: i get it now!!!  
GG: this is so cute!! :D  
AT: wAIT, i,  
AT: wHAT,  
GG: you and dave  
GG: you liiiiiike him!!!  
GG: oh gosh i should go tell rose  
AT: oK, i THINK THAT, FOR ONE,  
AT: yOU'RE REALLY MISINTERPRETING THIS,  
AT: aND TWO, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW UPSETTING THESE IMPLICATIONS ARE,  
GG: no no no!  
GG: its okay!!  
GG: you dont have to be ashamed or embarrassed with me  
GG: i think its really sweet and beautiful  
GG: humans have an emotion called love and its really great  
GG: ohhhh should i tell dave for you???  
GG: he might talk to you if he knew!!!!!!  
AT: uHHHH DEAR GOD NO,  
AT: tHIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HE DOES,  
AT: hE TURNS THE CONVERSATION TO PLACES THAT SORT OF SCARE ME,  
AT: mAYBE I'LL JUST TRY YOUR SEER AGAIN,  
GG: no dont go!!!  
GG: i didnt mean to upset you :(  
AT: iT'S OK,  
AT: jUST,  
AT: uHHHH,  
AT: dON'T DO IT AGAIN,  
AT: pLEASE,  
GG: its just that dave is kind of closed off and grumpy  
GG: and i thought that maybe if he had someone to love him he might open up :\  
GG: so i just got really excited when you said that you liked him and you wanted to talk  
GG: i thought that maybe i could get to talk with rose about planning a wedding and stuff!!  
GG: i mean you would want a wedding right???  
GG: i think a wedding in the fall would be so pretty!! :D  
GG: then maybe somewhere nice and warm for the honeymoon  
GG: or maybe someplace really cold and you could snuggle!!  
AT: oK, THIS,  
AT: tHIS IS SOMETHING I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE,  
AT: yOU ARE FAR MORE HORRIFYING THAN I WAS LED TO BELIEVE,  
GG: but i was just trying to help :(

\-- adiosToreador [AT] blocked gardenGnostic [GG] --

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

GG: i did what you told me to do!!!!  
TG: okay awesome  
TG: you have no idea how glad i am that you wired your grandpas literal giant theme parkesque mountain of money to my bank account  
TG: i could use it right about now  
TG: man and to think i was gonna stop payment on the check for the yacht  
TG: how ridiculous  
GG: noooooo silly ._.  
GG: i cant believe you would forget!!  
GG: i got all dressed up for our date!!!  
TG: wait  
TG: what  
TG: when did this happen  
GG: hehehehe  
GG: got you!!! &lt;3  
TG: okay im fucking confused  
TG: did i tell you to be coquettish and weird or something  
TG: i dont recall telling you to do that  
GG: hehe actually you did!!! :D  
GG: you said when one of the trolls messages me that i should try not to be so sincere  
GG: and mean exactly what i say  
GG: because it makes me an easy target  
TG: okay well  
TG: im not a troll  
TG: or at least im not your troll  
TG: so try not to make me spray my drink everywhere like a shitty variety show  
TG: i have sensitive electronic equipment here  
TG: and if it starts spitting sparks all over me because some coke is working its battery acid rampage all over the circuitry  
TG: i will handspring directly off the high dive and do some intricate gymnastic shit into true madness  
TG: ten point fucking oh  
TG: gold medal for america in the psychotic breakdown olympics  
GG: well sooooorrryyyy!! jeeeeez!!!!!!!  
GG: i am not as good at this as you!!  
TG: ill forgive you if you show me what you did  
TG: we can go over it and you can learn from a pro

gardenGnostic [GG] sent turntechGodhead [TG] file “troll.txt”

GG: did i do okay??  
TG: hmmm  
TG: a little textbook  
TG: but thats fine  
TG: we can work on that  
GG: i dont really want to work on it .__.  
GG: its kind of mean!!  
TG: well its not like those dbags are going to leave you alone  
TG: so you might as well make it hard on them  
GG: i guess.....but wouldnt it be easier to be friends??  
TG: jade  
TG: wizened old guys with magnificent beards have said shit about the easy way  
TG: usually stuff like  
TG: being friends with trolls is for fags  
GG: i dont think they really said that -_-  
TG: riverdancing christ  
TG: im paraphrasing  
TG: work with me here  
TG: youll try to troll me but when its one of these tools its suddenly mean  
GG: gaaaaawwwd it was a joke!!! :P  
GG: and you fell for it!!  
TG: like a blind man off a fucking sheer cliff face  
TG: three hundred feet down to an embarrassing death  
TG: but seriously  
TG: you did good  
TG: youre probably going to want to get something and write this down  
TG: maybe chisel it onto a plaque to commemorate the moment  
TG: because i dont think ill ever say this again  
TG: but im pretty proud of you right now  
GG: awwww!! &lt;3 &lt;3 &lt;3  
TG: yeah dont do that  
TG: that makes it worse  
GG: :3  
TG: im going to go ponder my status as cool after getting taken for a ride like a pony at a fair  
TG: also my status as a man  
TG: thanks for the personal revelations lady planchette  
TG: try not to turn into a troll monster and escape into civilization while im gone  
TG: dont know what id do if a bunch of pitchfork waving villagers came busting down my door like the dominos police  
TG: yelling about frankensteins magic hate ball  
TG: id have to deny my hand in creating you  
TG: but anyway  
TG: talk to you later  
GG: bye!!!!! &lt;3

YEARS IN THE FUTURE  
(but not many)

AT: i GIVE UP,  
AT: tRADE WITH ME,  
CG: WHAT?  
CG: NO.  
CG: IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT YOU'RE HORRENDOUSLY INCOMPETENT.  
CG: YOU WERE ALL ABOUT IT WHEN I STARTED UP THIS CAMPAIGN.  
AT: tHAT WAS BEFORE I LEARNED ABOUT THEIR KNIGHT,  
AT: hE'S PSYCHOLOGICALLY IMPERVIOUS,  
AT: aND HE'S TRAINING THE OTHERS,  
CG: WAIT, TRAINING?  
AT: i TRIED TO SOLICIT THEIR WITCH,  
CG: OH MY GOD.  
AT: sHE MADE ME INCREDIBLY UPSET,  
CG: YOU JUST GOT SCHOOLED BY A MAGICAL DISABLED GIRL.  
CG: SHE'S A FUCKING NARCOLEPTIC.  
CG: SHE WAS PROBABLY ASLEEP WHEN SHE VERBALLY SALSA DANCED ALL OVER YOUR BONE BULGE.  
AT: i,  
AT: wAS SHE REALLY,  
CG: YOU ARE SO UNBELIEVEABLY SHITTY AT THIS.﻿


End file.
